It dawned on me that I should be able to accomplish all I want to with the support of my family and friends...not paying money to someone who says I need them to "make it happen." It's almost a completely new way to view this whole thing...to fully understand and know that the Universe has provided me with all that I need to do whatever I want to do...cultivate awareness and gratefulness, the MOST POWERFUL TOOLS!!!

Lost 3 pounds this week!!

Oh gosh, now it is Wednesday and I missed 2 days of blogging!! I have got to become more diciplined in all aspects of my life! I'm doing MUCH better with the alcohol and food...I had one glass of wine tonight, and didn't crave more...it's all about your mind-set...I will blog more in the morning...it seems to really help me focus my thoughts and clarify where I am going. It's all good!

Good Night!

Gonna' curl up with my great new book and sleep like a baby! No alcohol today, and took a good strenuous walk with two friends at the Botanical Gardens. Looking forward to Tuesday night...my first meeting with the Buddhist Meditation Group at the UUFC...I can only go twice a month, but they said that would be OK! They are nice folks. I want to incorporate a meditation daily practice into my life...worked this afternoon on organizing and straightening my art studio/meditation space so it woill feel peaceful to go down there and meditate. Class at Tri-County in the morning...then give a test in the afternoon. Life is good today!! It was amazingly BEAUTIFUL on my walk today...that will be a daily practice as well!!

OOOps!

I didn't blog yesterday! I don't know why...I had plenty of time. SO, I will blog at least twice today! I tried having a little alcohol this week-end...and it worked pretty well, but I don't think I'll do that again. Psychologically I felt as if I was cheating myself. (2 beers on Friday night and one glass of wine with dinner last night) I may reach a time when that will be OK, but not now while I am still so raw, and still so heavy!! Today I have to speak in church...I always get so nervous...but I need to remember that I don't care what other people think about me...and MEAN it!!! I'm living the best way I know how...following my inner feelings about what I should and should not be doing. No one else can decide that for me.

The puzzle...

I am married to a man I love VERY much, all of my children are grown and doing well in thier own lives, I have a GREAT house in a fun college town (where LOTS of people would like to live)with lots of wonderful friends...so why am I having such a struggle?? I believe a LARGE part of it is habitual behavior. Change some habits, struggles diminish or go away. We will look at that, think about that, and solve that puzzle!

First big hurdle!

Women's meeting tonight! Lots of good food and at LEAST 5 bottles of wine on the table. I think they were suprised that I didn't drink any. I took my own drink with me (Oceanspray Diet Cranberry/Grape Juice mixed with sparkling water) and I was careful about what I ate! It wasn't too hard to say no to wine tonight because I kept remembering how good I felt this morning when I woke up! The strangest sensation of my body humming in good health...healing itself! SOME THINGS TO REMEMBER: If you want to be a spiritual person, then you need to live like a spiritual person! Learn to dance in the rain! Reach for the more positive thought!

And it makes me wonder....

I know a lot of people have horrible things in their life that they struggle with...and often rise above! What is it that draws a person into addictions of all kinds? I try to figure that out in my life, and I always come back to guilt about how I raised my children...a child myself when I had them, no parenting skills learned from my mother or father, and no support group (family). I screwed up from ignorance, but I never allowed myself to forgive myself until today as I write this out on this blog. The guilt needs to come into my mind like a cloud, and I need to let it go like a cloud moving across the sky.The forgiveness needs to perch on my soul and stay there. Forgiving yourself is the HARDEST forgiveness there is.

This time is different.

If I'm not honest on this blog, it will do me no good. This is a place I want to be brutaly honest, then reach for a positive thought or idea, and end with hope and optimism. Right now, I feel that hope and optimism...even though I am over weight (I am going to Weight Watchers) and have some problems with alcohol. I have quit drinking alcohol so many times...this time I want to make it long lasting. Right now, my goal is to not have alcohol until I reach my goal weight. That has been my goal in the past, and when I reach my goal weight I begin with one glass of wine, then two and so on, untill I have gotten right back to where I started. I want to make this time different...I will make this time different.

Changes!!

On Tuesday, Sept 18, 2012, I decided to buckle down and make some changes in my life. I had been thinking about it for a long time. It was hard for me to put into action what I was feeling as an "urgency in my spirit" to make these changes. After a milestone birthday on the 16th, I was still entrenched in my old habits. It had to stop! So this blog is going to be something I do everday as part of my thinking process, and to help me keep my awareness high! I will write here everyday, even if it is just one sentence. The following quote came to me in email on the morning of Sept 20th as I woke up from the first night without alcohol for, literally, years. I cried when I read it, so I post it here: "When you admit to yourself, 'I must make this change to be more happy'—not because the Buddha said so, but because your heart recognized a deep truth—you must devote all your energy to making the change. You need strong determination to overcome harmful habits." - Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Getting Started"